its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize