when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
