If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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