Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize