Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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