Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
