I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
