Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
