so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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