i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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