tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
