i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize