My cat gives me a boner
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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