I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
