You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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