i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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