seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
