"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
