Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
