yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
