i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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