yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
two words...techno handjob
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
