i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize