JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize