Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
The power of my boobs compel you
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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