Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
