I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
