Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
