We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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