this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
