We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize