I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
