1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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