i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
