Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
40s are totally the cure
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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