Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
