Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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