if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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