Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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