last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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