I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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