I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
