I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
