Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
