I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
