Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
