Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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