just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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