we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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