It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
