i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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