i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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