Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
