Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
