summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
