I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
