So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Randomize
