hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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