I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
