As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
