Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
