umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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