Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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