I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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