I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
